Jobs the Sisters Grimm Characters Should Never Do
by jabberwockyandthevorpalblade
Summary: It's here! What jobs should the Grimm gang NEVER do? Find out inside.
1. Sabrina

Here it is! I kind of stole the idea from a Maximum Ride story, but I thought it was awesome. I hope that my story is funny and that you all enjoy it. :}

**Disclaimer:** I do not own this series. Isn't it obvious?

* * *

_Sabrina:_

1. Cosmetic saleswoman:

"Um, I think this goes on your eyes…."

2. Escape artist:

The way she escaped from foster families, I'm scared to see what she can do with a chained box.

3. Musician:

"And you're sure that it is not enchanted?"

4. Marriage counselor:

"Okay, express yourself through your actions. Punch him; it shows him that you care."

5. Teacher:

Because she works _sooo _well with her peers.

* * *

I hope that none of these happen because it would be a disaster. *shudders while picturing it*

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	2. Puck

I'm stuck on Daphne so here's Puck. I had to narrow this one down. ;}

**Disclaimer:** Grimm Sisters The own not do I.

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_Puck:_

1. Bomb Expert:

He already knows to much….

2. Zoo keeper:

"Does anyone know why _all _of the chimpanzees are wearing army helmets?"

3. Dodge ball champion:

Everyone knows that fairies have an unfair advantage.

4. Magician:

You know that trick where they're 'turned' into an animal behind a sheet? That's not a trick.

5. Police officer:

"Hey look! I handcuffed the suspect to the car!"

"Um…where is the key?"

"_Burp_"

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	3. Daphne

Daphne! Everyone's favorite seven year-old. Hopefully it will be a while until she gets a real job, but with this series, you never know.

**Disclaimer:** Umm… I'm not the original author. There, I said it.

* * *

_Daphne:_

1. Philosopher:

"And I conclude that… wait what's that word?"

2. Hair stylist:

"I introduce to you 'Designs by Daphne.'"

"… Where did everyone go?"

"Oooh, they must be so amazed by my creations that they went to go tell their friends!"

"Yeah, let's go with that."

3. Dictionary Editor:

"What do you mean, jerkazoid isn't a word?"

4. Army Recruit:

"Since when has the _army_ never used wands?"

"Drop and give me twenty, soldier!"

"Twenty what?"

5. Kong Fu Artist:

She would win every match. Once she gives her warrior face, the other competitors will never stand a chance.

* * *

The Army Recruit one was suggested by Bella Grimm. I liked it.

More to come… as soon as I think of them. Suggestions are welcome. Really, help me out. This is a not so subtle way of saying, "REVIEW!"

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	4. Granny Relda

It is the one… the only… Granny Relda! But really, is there anyone else like her?

**Disclaimer:** Me no own this series.

* * *

_Granny:_

1. Chef:

Some restaurants like to advertise 'Just like Grandma's cooking'. These people have obviously never met Relda.

2. Mirror maker:

"Mirror mirror on the wall, is there a reason you don't talk at all?"

"Relda, what are you going?"

"Talking to the person on the other side of the glass."

"Right…."

3. Mystery writer:

_Sofia Covington opened the door, her heart racing. She knew that behind that door was something gruesome. The doorknob felt cold in her hand. On the other side was her worst nightmare: her beloved fiancé was lying on the floor. Pinocchio was dead._

4. Purse designer:

"It can hold your money, your phone, and any weapons you might need. Buy now, because Gucci will never come up with anything this fabulous."

5. Taxi driver:

"Twenty-third and Second Street? That is all the way across town. I bet I can get you there in three minutes flat without tipping off the police!"

* * *

That was easier than I thought. Go, Granny, go!

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	5. Mr Canis

Mr. Canis! Or should I say the Wolf? Or is it Mr. Clay?

**Disclaimer:** If I owned this series, do you really think that I would be on fanfiction?

* * *

_Mr. Canis:_

1. Anger management worker:

I have a feeling that flipping out on your patients because you have your own anger problems doesn't pay well.

2. Clothing store associate:

The newest fashion trend: mismatched clothing—started unknowingly by Mr. Canis and his fashion advice.

3. Dog catcher:

Why does the idea of having a canine capture other canines not sound right to me?

4. American Blood Association worker:

"Now I am going to stick in the needle…. See the blood… the delicious blood…"

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

5. Artist:

"Is this color blue? Maybe it's orange? No, I think that it is yellow… Or is it green?"

* * *

A lot of people suggested number 2.

Mr. Canis—I thought that his 'name' was really funny. Canis means dog, and he is a wolf, and… well you get the point.

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	6. The Master

Okay, so we technically have not met the Master yet, but it is worth a try (well, when I'm writing this, we have not met him)!

**Disclaimer: **This is getting old….

* * *

_The Master:_

1. Mystery shopper:

Yeah, he's the cloaked guy looking at the new khaki shorts that just came in.

2. Telemarketer:

"Hello, would you like to join the company the Scarlet Hand? But you must act now, for this is a limited time offer."

3. Congressman:

A leader of a group of people who want to overthrow humans as part of the USA political system? Why does this sound like a bad idea?

4. Motivational speaker:

"I had a dream… that all humans would crumble under my hand!"

5. Billboard spokesperson:

We have not seen his face yet, so does that me there will be a huge black hole where it is supposed to be? I bet Covergirl is wishing that they didn't fire Queen Latifa for this guy.

* * *

Is it funny? The only way I will know is if you review!

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	7. Charming

It is Charming!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the series that I happen to enjoy writing fanfics about.

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_Charming:_

1. President of the United States:

He was the mayor of a tiny town and look how that turned out. Do you really want him to control the free world?

2. King of England:

Doesn't anyone find it suspicious that he has not died yet?

3. Gossip Columnist:

"Seven, get me my latte!"

4. Social Worker:

"Why, are you children or are you one of Seven's kind? Moreover, you look like you belong in a circus! Stupid children!"

5. McDonalds worker:

"What do you mean; I have to actually touch this monstrosity? And these outfits: cannot they be a more appealing color, like purple!"

There goes employee of the month….

* * *

I had trouble with this one, so I kind of winged it. #3 is my favorite.

Did you like it? Did you hate it? Feel nothing at all? Then tell me in a review!

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	8. Red Riding Hood

I have read The Everafter War! It was good. You will have haft to have read the 7th book first to get some of these, but there are no spoilers (I think).

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Zilch. Nada.

* * *

_Red:_

1. Doctor:

"Hello, I'm Red Riding Hood, and I will be your doctor today. I should tell you that I have been crazy for most of my life, but don't worry—I know what I'm doing. There is no reason to be scared as I grab these sharp operating tools…."

2. Psychic:

She doesn't know what happened during most of her own life, but I bet she knows all about yours!

3. Door greeter:

Poor Red would be fired. She is not very social and she would hide behind the door.

4. Fashion worker:

"And, Ms. Red, all you wear is the color red?"

"Well, duh, it is a fall color."

5. Pet store employee:

"I would like to by a kitten for my daughter."

"…Did you say _kitten_? Jabberwocky!"

* * *

Okay, I feel bad for Red. She was crazy and now she practically has agoraphobia. What a life.

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	9. Moth

I love all of the reviews that I am getting! Thanks so much. And without further ado…

**Disclaimer:** I am not M.B. But I am Stephanie Meyer! Okay, not really. Seriously, that was a joke.

* * *

_Moth:_

1. Matchmaker:

"Take the subtle approach: use poison first—it's a real turn on."

2. Flutist:

The only song she knows is "Flight of the Pixies."

3. Assassin:

She murdered a fairy king, blamed another fairy for the crime, killed him, and attempted to murder someone else, all in two hundred pages, before she was caught. Can you imagine Moth doing this for a living?

4. Bartender:

"Well, this tastes really nice, miss. It is fruity, sweet…"

"Why thank you. I worked _very_ hard on it."

"Um, I don't feel so good."

"Mwahaha! Oh, I mean, that's horrible!"

5. Arsenal guard:

"Where did all of the weapons go? Wait, where did the guard go?"

* * *

Someone suggested the matchmaker. To add to the assassin, she can _fly_ too. The cops would never catch her!

Did it make you laugh? Did it make you cry? Was it bad? Let me know by clicking that little button down there.

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	10. Uncle Jake

Here I am again! Yay! I am tired of studying so I thought I would do this instead!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own this series! Must I say it every single time!

* * *

_Uncle Jake:_

1. Florist:

He would cry each time he saw a rose.

2. Seamstress:

Jake likes pockets. On _everything_.

3. Carpet maker:

"It doesn't fly? But it's a carpet!"

"Yeah, carpets usually don't fly, Jake…."

4. Bounty hunter:

He has an arsenal of magical weapons, has fought creatures all around the world: I can picture him doing a job like this.

5. Long lost relative:

Wait, he already tried this and it went _so_ well the first time.

* * *

This chapter is not my favorite. Jake was extremely hard to do! I ran out of ideas very fast.

Please tell me what you thought.

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	11. Elvis

So I thought that I would give you all another chapter since I did not like the last one that much.

**Disclaimer:** Why is it called a 'disclaimer'? I'm _claiming_ that I don't own this series. *laughs at own stupid thoughts*

* * *

_Elvis:_

1. Butcher:

Sausages mess the poor dog up. Imagine what ham, pork, beef, hotdogs, et cetera would do to him.

2. Janitor:

"Teacher, I saw the weirdest thing in the bathroom."

"Must I know, Jimmy?"

"Well, the janitor was drinking out of the toilet."

3. Elvis impersonator:

He cannot fit into those blue suede shoes.

4. Guard dog:

They usually warn their masters if they see something strange. But to Elvis, who lives in Ferryport Landing where everything is strange, nothing is out of the ordinary.

5. Dog show contestant:

He won't even let Daphne dress him up for Christmas, nonetheless a competition with strangers staring at him.

* * *

Someone gave me the idea of janitor. Thank you! Elvis has left the building!

I like this chapter better than the last one. Thoughts? Ideas? Anything?

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	12. Veronica

Here we go again!

**Disclaimer:** Ya… no.

* * *

_Veronica:_

1. Model:

She is gorgeous, and all the fairy godfathers think she has great gams. It just wouldn't be fair to Kate Moss.

2. Police woman:

She can kick butt. Poor criminals won't know what hit 'em.

3. Sleepy's sales woman:

"Are you sure you want to buy a mattress?"

"That is why I'm here."

"But you will have to fall asleep to use a mattress."

"I know that, miss."

"You know what happens when you fall asleep? Your best friend turns you in to your mirror and evil people take your unborn child away from you!"

"I knew I should have gone to Macy's."

4. Charity worker:

"I would like to thank you all for donating to the Save the Fairytale Foundation. We all are thankful for your support."

5. Plumber:

Picture Veronica lying under a sink, wrench in one hand, turkey sandwich in the other, with her plaid boxers showing.

* * *

Another one done. Yay!

Your reactions should be shared by pressing that button at the bottom of the page. You cannot miss it.

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	13. Henry

Henry! Hank! Whatever you want to call him!

**Disclaimer:** dirhmosteoiwrenosmtsitg... Guess what it says if you unscramble it!

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_Henry:_

1. Borders employee:

"Hey Henry, can you go work in the children's department? We need help re-shelving the fairytales section."

2. Hairdresser:

He cannot take it when women come in asking for a trim on their goldie locks.

3. Calendar maker:

"Wait… it is 2009? I thought that it was 2006!"

"Where have you been?"

"… In an enchanted sleep…."

4. Children's author:

I just cannot picture this ever happening. He probably hates children's books, too, because they are so much like fairytales. _GASP!_ Does that mean Hank hate MB for writing the Sisters Grimm? How sad—to be hated by your own character.

5. Reenactor:

"Hey, everyone let us reenact the Battles of the Everafters!"

"I hate to break it to you, Henry, but there is no such thing."

"Or so you think…"

* * *

I had a very hard time with this one. I am not very happy with this chapter. Oh well!

Please tell me your thoughts. I do not care what you think as long as you give it in form of a review!

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	14. Hamstead

I have a goal: I would like to make it to 200 reviews on this fic, but I need your help too! If I supply the chapters, would you please supply reviews? ;}

**Disclaimer:** After thirteen chapters, you would think that it would be clear that I don't own this series….

* * *

_Mr. Hamstead:_

1. Butcher:

"I need ten pounds of pork and a load of beef!"

_*Hamstead faints*_

2. Construction worker:

Hamstead's business resume: will build with proper supplies; good worth ethic; knows from personal experience what materials are not suitable for homes (e.g. straw).

3. Workout trainer:

"And once you are done with your daily routine of ten sit-ups, then reward yourself—donuts will do nicely."

4. Swimsuit model:

"My eyes, they burn!"

Heart's Plan B to run the human's out of town—scare tactics.

5. Animal activist:

"Free the wolves!"

Oh, the irony.

* * *

I realize that the other two pigs took construction on, but do you really trust them?

Please tell me your thoughts. I love to hear what you think!

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	15. The Queen of Hearts

It is time for the most fabulous person to ever walk the earth! The Queen of Hearts. In case you could not tell, that was sarcasm.

**Disclaimer:** You'll never catch me alive!

* * *

_The Queen of Hearts:_

1. Makeup artist:

Clients will look like the Clown from Hell. And that's if they're lucky.

2. Daycare worker:

_*child crying*_ "I want my mommy!"

"Shut up! Off with your head!"

3. Judge:

"I sentence you to Death Row!"

"But, your honor, isn't that going a little overboard? It was just a parking ticket…."

4. Aerobics instructor:

"And one, and two, and three, and four… Work those muscles, girls! You will have abs just like mine if you keep this up!"

5. Fashion label:

The hottest trend: pink and red clothing adorned with hearts. All the coolest starlets are wearing it.

* * *

I love this one. She was so easy to write for.

I am predicting that you are pushing the button at the bottom of the page…

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	16. Mr Seven

Mr. Seven! The poor man was been beaten around by Charming.

**Disclaimer:** I was going to give a disclaimer, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

* * *

_Mr. Seven:_

1. The traveling gnome on those TV commercials:

"I'm on my way!"

2. The Master:

"I am the Master!"

"… Wait? Where are you? I can hear you but I can't see you."

"Down here!"

3. Self help writer:

He does not seem the like the kind of person who has self-confidence to me.

4. Mime:

He has many emotions to portray. There is Happy, Dopey, Sneezey, Grumpy…

5. Mayor:

"Mr. Charming, are they one of your kind?"

"N-no sir, they are children."

* * *

The last job comes from the first book, when Sabrina and Daphne first meet Charming and Mr. Seven.

Your thoughts, please.

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	17. Nottingham

He likes knives, killing, and—you guessed it—trying to destroy Robin Hood.

**Disclaimer:** We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!

* * *

_Nottingham:_

1. Hairdresser:

"Omigawd darling, your roots are hawrible!"

And this is coming from the man who has had the same hairstyle since the Middle Ages.

2. Biker Dude:

When everyone shows up on their Mustangs, he comes on a full bred stallion.

3. Weapons collector:

"And I got this one from King Henry; and this knife is from Benedict Arnold; this one I got from that suspicious looking guy down the block."

4. Masseuse:

"Oh, let me wring—I mean rub!—your neck for you."

5. Rapper:

"Look at me/ I'm so not so wild and free/ trapped in a town, away from humanity/ I'm not in the Hood/ more like he's chasing _me_/ will I ever destroy, my one true enemy?/ my life's pretty Grimm/ my beard needs a trim/ Heart has got me fed/ I might just lose my head/ word."

* * *

I thought of number four when I remembered the part of book five when Heart makes Nottingham rub her feet. *ick*

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	18. Snow White

Welcome, Snow White! And those little guys that follow her around.

**Disclaimer:** Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? It is I, jabberwockyandthevorpalblade—who did not write the original story.

* * *

_Snow White:_

1. Orchard picker:

So many apples!

2. Babysitter:

"There are seven of you, right? Then where did little Tommy go?"

3. Seminar instructor:

"They are not dwarves; they prefer little people—or better yet, Small-Americans."

4. E-Harmony web match maker:

Everyone out there is looking for Prince Charming. If only they knew that he was already taken.

5. Miss America:

"And the winner of the Miss American Pageant is—for the eighty-second time—Snow White!"

* * *

The second one is suggesting that Snow cannot keep the seven dwarves straight. Number three is also about the seven dwarves, too. The last one is ironic because Snow does not die, so she keeps on winning the contest. :}

I got a Fictionpress account under the same penname. Check it out if you want!

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	19. Robin Hood

Hello, faithful readers. I finally decided to post another chapter. Isn't that grand?

**Disclaimer:** When I was little I would always rent that Robin Hood movie where everyone are animals—Robin was a fox. And when I saw 'always', I mean I would rent it every single time. My mom would ask me, "jabberwockyandthevorpalblade, don't you want to rent something else?" I, being my lovely, four-year-old self, would respond simply with, "No." So, the point of this story is that I do not own Robin Hood or the Sisters Grimm series.

* * *

_Robin Hood:_

1. Charity worker:

It gives a whole new meaning to 'steal from the rich and give to the poor.'

2. Protestor:

We all know that Robin Hood is tight with money. Well, can't you just picture him protesting Madoff?

3. _I Love Lucy_ remake:

"Marian, I'm ho-o-o-me."

4. Renaissance cosplayer:

"Wow, that guy plays the hero really well."

"Yeah, but I'm getting a little nervous about him swinging that sword around."

5. Sidekick:

We can make Little John into Batman and then we will have Batman and Robin! (Cue theme music!)

* * *

Ah, humor. Madoff was the Wall Street broker that was not very good with his (aka other people's) money. The Batman and Robin joke is cheesy, but I thought that it would make for a good play on words.

I got a Fictionpress account under the same penname. Check it out if you want! There is a link on my profile.

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	20. The Pied Piper

I back! Actually, I didn't go anywhere… Guess what? This story has reached 200 reviews! The luck 200th goes to DeDe with her comment on _I Love Lucy_! So, do you think we can make it to 300? :D

**Disclaimer:** Who are you—who—who—who—who? I really want to know…

* * *

_The Pied Piper:_

1. Exterminator:

"Hey, Bill, did'ya hear about this new rat exterminator?"

"Yeah, I did! He goes by Hamelin."

"The guy thinks he can kill rats with a stupid flute! What a dope!"

"Yeah, that guy'll never make it in this business."

2. Hypnotist:

*_in creepy hypno-talk_* "Listen to the sound of my pipes."

"No way that's going to work…"

*_creepy sound of the pipes_*

"Why do I have the sudden urge to jump into water?"

3. Tax collector:

"So you cannot pay your bills…. How many children do you have?"

"Three."

"I'd say two of them will do."

4. Rock 'n' roller:

He plays the electric pipes. That's badass.

5. Lifeguard:

*_cute little girl_* "Eww! Mommy there's a dead rat in the pool!"

"Oh, sorry—my bad!"

* * *

I like story of the Pied Piper. A town has a rat problem, so they hire this mysterious man to get rid of the vermin. He lures all of the rats out with his pipe and brings them down to the sea where they drown. Then, when the town's people refused to pay the man, he plays his music once again. This time, though, he lures out all the children and takes them away with him.

With the last one, I am picturing this little girl peering over the side of the pool and yelling to her mom; the Piper is sitting in the lifeguard chair shouting back at her.

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	21. Titania

Hello everyone! How is your day?

**Disclaimer:** You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, crying all the time…

* * *

_Titania:_

1. Actress:

"Romeo, Romeo, where for art though Romeo?"

"You do realize that you are in the wrong play, right?"

2. Gangster:

"Do ya really want me to get Frankie and Tony in here? You'll be sleepin' with da fishes if they do."

3. Assassin:

Well, we saw that after Oberon's death, she was not very _subtle_, but she could totally get the job done. Some buildings _may_ come down with her, but she can do it.

4. Fry cook:

"Ow, I broke a nail! There is grease all over my Armani shoes! _Crap_…!"

5. Babysitter:

"I don't have to listen to you—I'm a big kid!"

"Oh, you're a big kid? Don't make me get my sons in here. They're big kids; they are freaking _thousands of years old_!"

* * *

Ah, you have to love insane fairy queens.

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	22. Oberon

Here is my holiday present! Happy holidays to all!

**Disclaimer:** Me llamo es jabberwockyandthevorpalblade.

* * *

_Oberon:_

1. Triathlon contestant:

"I… _pant pant_… made it… _pant pant_… yes!"

"Sir, you have only completed the first part of the race…"

2. Model:

No one has worked the gangster suit and bowler hat better than he has since Al Capone.

3. Nobel Peace Prize Winner:

"I'd like to thank all of the people I have crushed and destroyed—figuratively and literally—who have helped me build up my business, um, uh, I mean _kingdom_, in the last thousand years. And I could not have done this without my lovely wife, Titania, and my son, Mustardseed. I think I'm forgetting someone… _Nope_! Anyways, you've all been great!"

4. Broker:

"I'll make him and offer he can't refuse."

5. 'Lady's man':

"Oh, Oberon, you are _so-o-o-o_ cool."

"I know Paris, I am. What do you think I should buy—the ten pound gold necklace or the twenty pound one?"

"Get the heavier bling. That's hot!"

* * *

Am I the only one who pictures Oberon as being overweight and short? I hope not…

You have to love those crazy gangster quotes. Bada bing, bada boom!

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	23. The Wizard of Oz

Wow, it is the New Year already! That means new chapters for Fanfics!

**Disclaimer:** 5…4…3…2…1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!

* * *

_The Wizard of Oz:_

1. Broom salesperson:

"No, Dorothy, when I told you to get the witch's broom, I didn't mean Harry Potter's!"

2. Makeup artist:

"What did you do to my face?! _It's green_!"

"Yeah, so, what's the problem?"

3. Psychic:

Oz: "I see great things in your future—kidnapped parents, an eccentric grandmother, a dirty fairy, a love-struck uncle, and a wolf-man!"

Sabrina: "And this is great _how_…? Actually, since you are so 'psychic' why don't you tell me _who_ kidnapped my parents?"

Oz: "Um, well, the crystal ball is becoming quiet cloudy at the moment. Sorry. Next question!"

4. Shoe salesperson:

He scares customers away when he stands there, staring at the ballet flats, muttering, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home."

5. Carnie:

"I have joined the circus to become, Little-Man-with-Big-Voice!"

* * *

It is true—there is no place like home. :}

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	24. Beauty and the Beast

Yes, yes, I know, I have not been on for a while. But it's not my fault! (You're thinking: that's what they all say.) So, without further ado—

**Disclaimer:** You know when you eat a lot of cookies and then right after you do, you feel like crap? Well, that feeling means that I do not own the Sisters Grimm….

* * *

_Beauty and the Beast:_

1. Raiser commercial spokespersons:

"Do you have a _really_ hairy husband like I do? Well, if you fit into this category, call 1-800-HAIRY-PROB for a free sample. Again that is 1-800-HAIRY-PROB. Once more! 1-800-HAIRY-PROB!

2. Gold-digger:

"Oh my _gawd_, Beast, I want that one!"

"Don't you think 200k is a bit much?"

"Ya kiddin' right? He's kiddin' right?!"

3. Classical dancers:

Too bad the Beast has two left feet. But really, can you picture a seven-foot creature _dancing_ with a woman in a ballroom gown?

4. Ceramics makers:

"I am going to make a talking teapot!"

"Sir, you do realize that teapots don't talk…"

"It's okay Beast. These people just don't understand us, that's all."

5. Mr. and Mrs. Swimsuit:

Well, here is a visual for you:

-hairy man plus Speedo—_check_

-beautiful woman wearing too much makeup and jewelry—_check_

-blind pedestrians—_check_ and _check_

_

* * *

_

I think that _I'm_ blind after that last one. Hey everyone—I got a deviantART account, so if you want to see my pretty pictures, just click the link on my profile!

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	25. The Editor

Hello all! Yeah, it's been awhile. Truthfully, I've been running out of ideas. But the newest SG book has given me new characters to work with and knew ideas. So, yay! Actually, I know that the 8th book came out months ago, but it took me forever to actually read it. :}

**Disclaimer:** How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

* * *

_The Editor:_

1. Ice cream man:

"I wanna a chocolate cone!"

"Yeah, whatever…." *_hands over cone_*

"What? This is chocolate. I wanted strawberry!"

"Hey! You said—Oh, fine!" *_hands over (another) cone_*

"This ice cream is all lumpy. I don't want it."

"You want something pink and smooth, kid? I'll give you something pink and smooth._ Revisers!_"

"Eep."

2. Wal-Mart sticker man:

"Here, take the sticker."

*_cute little girl voice_* "I'll take one if you smile."

*_creepy, forced smile_*

"On second thought, I'll just take it, and, uh, never come back."

3. Retirement home dweller:

You all know how those old people conversation goes. Two partially deaf old timers forget to put on their hearing aids and the rest is history.

"Where'd I put my glasses? I can't see anything without my glasses!"

"Idiot, they're on the top of yar head. I swear Editor, ya'd lose ya head if it wasn't screwed on."

"Huh, what you say?"

"What? I can't hear ya?"

"Well, my grandson's a doctor! Hey… where'd I put my big, leather chair?"

Other guy: *_snores_*

4. Librarian:

"Hey, this book sounds good. Can I check it out?"

"No."

"Well, what about this one—"

"No!"

"How 'bout—"

"_No!_"

"Why not?"

"Because, you are unworthy."

"But this is a public library!"

5. Spelling Bee champion:

"And the Editor has won, by spelling the word Lanfairp-Landfairpwll—Oh, forget it! I can't even pronounce it!"

"Thank you, thank you. You have all been amazing on my journey. And little Annie Chang, sitting on the 2nd place podium—_I beat you, I beat you, I beat you!_"

* * *

So guess what? That insanely long word above is actually a word. It's the name of a village in Whales and one of the longest names in the world. FF wouldn't let me put in the whole word, so if you want a laugh, then google 'longest town name in the world' There are more than 50 letters in it. Really, go look it up-I insist!

Twenty-five chapters. I cannot believe it! You guys have been wonderful and I hope that you continue to support me and my spoof!

Next is…

R&R


	26. Cinderella

Yeah, I know, I haven't updated in awhile. But I'm starting to run out of ideas _and_ characters. So now I have resorted to the good ol' classic tales. Who cares if they only showed up once in the series? It's a series about fairytales, right? Right. So, in other words—I _need_ characters to write about.

**Disclaimer:** It's a good thing their last name is Grimm. It would suck if they had to be referred to as the Sisters Fitzgerald.

* * *

_Cinderella:_

1. Shoes Saleswoman:

"Girl, those heels would look _fine_ on you!"

"But they're glass. Isn't that a hazard?"

"Only if you trip a lot…"

2. Farmer:

"We here gawt the larjist pum'kin this side of the Mississippi."

Pumpkin. Emphasis on the _pumpkin_.

3. Book Editor:

"Cindy, you do realize that 'dictionary' isn't spelled d-i-c-k-s-h-a-u-n-a-r-i-e. Didn't you ever learn to spell?"

"Not really—my stepmom locked me away for half my life to clean; not learn 'lose silly little letters.'"

"You have some serious family issues…"

4. Social Worker:

"It's okay, hun—tell me what happened."

*_poor, poor little defiled kid_* "They… they locked me in a closet. My only friends were the mice that hung out in the eaves…. Um, Ms. Social Worker Lady, why are you twitching?"

"Bad memories. _Ba-a-a-ad_ memories."

5. Matchmaker:

"He's perfect for you, honey—nothing like that little (the following words have been blocked for you, the viewer's, sake) Prince Charming that left me for some _bimbo_ princess. All because my castle was '_too small_!' Too small my tiara!"

* * *

And that is the chapter! I have a feeling that this story (okay, it's not even a story) will never find the right spot to end. Maybe once the last SG book comes out I will find the right place to end it. But as long as there are fairytales, there's the need for my spoof!

Next is…

R&R


	27. Goldilocks

So, I guess I should update….

**Disclaimer:** I got nothing.

* * *

_Goldilocks_

1. Hair product model:

Introducing Golden Locks! Do _you_ want lush, beautiful, luxurious, shining, golden hair? Then try Golden Locks! Nothing makes locks look as golden as Golden Locks. Get it today! (Golden Locks is a registered trademark of Three Bears Company. They are not responsible for any follicle damage or discoloration of the hair caused by Golden Locks, nor are they responsible for any seemingly random bear attacks, especially in kitchens or in beds. Golden Locks is also made from the organic product porridge, but is not to be consumed for safety hazards).

2. Soup Kitchen worker:

"Have a bowl of porridge, Mr. Homeless Man. I hope it's _just_ right!"

"…These volunteer people just keep getting weirder and weirder."

3. Construction worker:

"I don't think that wall is the right size. And that bed! That is definitely too small, especially next to that chair! Who made all of these?"

"You did…"

4. Circus performer:

"And here is the magical Lady Goldie and her trained bears!"

"I don't think _trained_ is the right word."

"What is then?"

"I was going for _undomesticated_."

5. Zoo Keeper:

"Run fee, animals! _Fre-e-e-e_!"

* * *

Most of this chapter was pretty easy—the first four were easy, but then I was kind of stumped on the last one. Goldilocks needs everything to be the perfect size, so I tried to make jokes off of that, and the bears.

I'll try to update a lot sooner than I have been with this story (which has been whenever I actually feel like writing it). I think I have some other ideas.

Next is…


	28. Rapunzel

Yo.

**Disclaimer:** Why do I even do these?

* * *

_Rapunzel:_

1. Hairdresser:

"You want me to _cut_ your hair? But—but, don't you want to let it _grow_?"

"Look lady, I just want a trim…"

2. Hair model (oh, the hair jokes!):

You know those models in the hair commercials, who flip their immensely shiny and thick hair around? Yeah, that's her.

3. Ladder maker:

Because she was trapped in a tower for so long, Rapunzel suffers from side effects. One of these side effects is a very serious case of OCD. She now has a compulsive behavior to put ladders under every window in her house. To her, they are an escape route, for, many times, she wakes up in the middle of the night, afraid that she is back in her old tower, and she cannot escape. Thankfully, the ladders are there to calm the poor Everafter. She calls it "ladder therapy." Rapunzel's therapist says they are working on the ladder situation.

4. Realtor:

"And here we have a nice tower, complete with one window and no doors."

5. Cheerleader:

Picture her dressed in a short, red uniform, with her hair in pigtails (which possibly might trip the other cheerleaders):

"C'mon, guys, let's fight! Yeah, all right! C'mon, guys, let's fight!"

* * *

Yay! Another chapter! Sorry, but I couldn't help the hair jokes—she just has so much hair!

So, I was literally shocked when I discovered that this had close to 400 reviews. Thank you all so much for reviewing!

Next is…


	29. Rumelstiltskin

That awkward moment when you realize that you should update.

**Disclaimer:** Hi, my name is jabberwockyandthevorpalblade, I enjoy long walks on the beach, eating chocolate, stealing my friends' lunches, and writing long, incomprehensible disclaimers just to prove that I don't written this series—thought after almost thirty chapters and three years of doing this parody, I think you all realize that by now.

* * *

_Rumpelstiltskin:_

1. Kindergarten Teacher:

Not only should Rumpelstiltskin avoid children at all costs—umm, hello, he steals people's _kids_—but what four-year-old knows how to spell _Rumpelstiltskin_?

"Mr. Rumplyskin? I have to go to the bathroom!"

2. Mobster:

"I can make you a deal you can't refuse…"

3. Doctor:

"Nurse! Someone kidnapped all the newborns!"

"I knew there was something suspicious about a neurosurgeon going into the maternity ward."

4. Babysitter:

Ha. Those parents are going to come home to an empty house. But on the bright side, at least he cleaned the kitchen after making the kids dinner.

5. Guidance Councilor:

Wait. He already tried that in Book Two. Then blew himself up… I'm still trying to figure that one out…

* * *

Woo! Another chapter done! I picture Rumpelstiltskin as that creepy old guy who laughs to himself too much. I'm trying to figure out the moral to this fairytale: Apparently, it's don't make deals you can't keep, because an unfortunately-named man will steal your offspring and then blow himself up after you just so happen to guess his name. Hmm, I wonder why Disney hasn't made a movie about this fairytale yet?

Next is…


	30. The Little Mermaid

Yes, yes I know what you're all thinking: I haven't updated in forever and by now the series is over. But I suddenly wanted to write this, so here I am!

**Disclaimer:** *cues 007 music*

* * *

_The Little Mermaid_

1. Shoes Saleswoman:

When you have a tail and no feet, your application usually gets passed on….

2. Sea World Worker:

The guests would be concerned that the woman working the dolphin show has been under the water for a _really_ long time.

3. Red Lobster Employee:

"Sebastian?!"

4. Underwear model:

"And rocking the new shell bra this year is Ariel."

5. Hair dresser:

Using forks on the clients' hair is not socially acceptable.


	31. Briar Rose

Yo.

**Disclaimer:** Yo.

* * *

_Briar Rose:_

1. Mattress tester:

Sometimes those memory foam mattresses work _too_ well.

2. Hypnotist:

"You are feeling very sleepy…" *_snore_*

3. Weaver:

Touch the spindle, she said. It'll be fun, she said.

4. Kindergarten teacher:

She needs nap time along with the children.

5. Gardener:

Roses, everywhere!


End file.
